Joey Graziedei Definitely Does Not Think 'Bachelor' Producers Are ...

Monday night was premiere night for The Bachelor season 28, with 28-year-old Joey Graziedei at the helm. Being 28 years old for season 28 could be considered lucky, like a golden birthday! But as writer Kristen Baldwin said to Graziedei when she interviewed him for Entertainment Weekly, “The Devil works hard, but Bachelor producers work harder.”

“That is true, just because those guys go to work,” he responded, then continued, “They are great people, so let me clear that up as much as possible. But those producers put in hours and they go to work.” Okay, sure, nice. “I love all of them—and I’m saying true because they work hard. I’m not saying ‘true’ because they’re like the Devil at all. I want to clear that up as much as I can,” he added, confirming that he signed away his soul in that contract.

His fear was evident throughout the interview. When asked about the woman who got out of the limo carrying a tray of unpeeled bananas so he could pick the one that was closest to his dick size, he answered “She put me in a little bit of a tough spot with that one,” when he really meant to say, “Who allowed that psychopath within 30 feet of me?” The poor man chose a “modest” banana—I repeat: UNNECESSARILY UNPEELED—threw it in a bush and said, “I look forward to seeing you inside,” when the rest of us would have definitely filed a restraining order.

“That’s one that I have to remember my family’s watching when I do that kind of stuff,” he said, no doubt glancing over each shoulder and lowering his voice when he said it.

But the crazy woman with the unpeeled bananas wasn’t the only “tough spot” he found himself in. Those devilish producers also cast two sisters to vie for his heart but didn’t tell him they were sisters. He only put it together after talking to them separately and realizing “I’ve heard this conversation before.”

“I went off of their energy—if they seemed like they were going to be battling against each other or not. If they were okay, then I was okay,” he said, which makes sense, because when you think about it long enough, dating two sisters at the same time isn’t that much weirder than dating 30 unrelated women at the same time.

By far the most meddling moment the producers had in the premiere (and it is with this statement that I realize The Bachelor is just The Hunger Games with lower stakes) was when Lea, who got to meet Graziedei before the rest of the women when he was announced as Bachelor last year, threw her “steal a one-on-one date” advantage card into the fire with clapping competitors looking on. He praised Lea for making a bold move that proved her “person and her character” despite being put in, you guessed it, a “very tough spot.”

As for the customary voyeuristic shower shot, it was not included in the premiere, but he said he thought he remembered filming “one scene” somewhere in the season, and then he rationalized his plight further: “I hope it was just one. I don’t know the shirtless stuff. It is what it is. I know it’s part of being in the role, and it happens from time to time.”

Send your thoughts and prayers for this sad, boring man.