What Is Meghan Markle's American Riviera Orchard Brand?
Photo: Max Mumby/Indigo/Getty Images
During an otherwise unexceptional week for the royal family and its satellite members, Meghan Markle has decided to hard-launch a new iteration of her lifestyle brand in a way that suggests she has the most insane publicist alive. On March 14, the currently visible woman announced her new venture, American Riviera Orchard, via Instagram. According to the brand’s trademark application, acquired by People, the Tig 2.0 plans to sell “tableware, drinkware including decanters, kitchen linens and edible treats such as jellies, jams, marmalade and spreads” as well as cookbooks. The American Riviera Orchard Instagram account simply teases, for now, “By Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex. Established 2024.” “Established 2024” isn’t that exciting now, but in 50 years, when the product line by the woman whose podcast venture with Spotify ended after just three years is still going strong, everyone will be very impressed.
After Vulture writer Rachel Handler pointed out that American Riviera Orchard sounds like “the name of Blake Lively’s seventh child,” we couldn’t help but wonder: What else is “American Riviera Orchard” not but absolutely should be? We came up with 51 possibilities.
1. How John Travolta would have introduced America Ferrera at the Oscars
2. MLM available exclusively at Cracker Barrel
3. Penelope Disick’s future Kohl’s fashion line
4. The Manchurian Candidate phrase to activate Ina Garten
5. The location for the Tortured Poets Department’s annual retreat
6. What they renamed the French Riviera during the Iraq War
7. Vineyard that Dennis Quaid owns in The Parent Trap
8. Vineyard that Randy Quaid rules as a sovereign citizen
9. Where you scientifically go when you’re in a coma in Florida
10. A Lana Del Rey album title
11. My Wi-Fi password
12. The restaurant inside Home Depot
13. How they’re retheming Disney World’s River Country after the alleged brain-eating parasite kerfuffle
14. Nikki Haley’s proposed name for the border wall
15. Bath & Body Works soap that smells like white grape and gives you a rash
16. Eight-part unscripted Quibi series executive produced by Candace Cameron Bure that was dead on arrival
17. Glenn Beck’s QVC line of manly paisley ties
18. Venue that hosted the Catalina Wine Mixer from Step Brothers
19. The spa at Dollywood
20. The ugliest shade of beige polish Opi has to offer
21. How the GOP describes heaven in its marketing materials
22. Sister band to Mumford & Sons
23. Katy Perry’s apple-cider-vinegar refinery
24. Limited brand collaboration between Eve (the singer) and Eve (from the Bible)
25. Hour-long Oxygen network drama watched only by aunts
26. White Nationalist wellness podcast
27. The result of a cease-and-desist from Tig Notaro
28. New name of the Suits cast’s group chat
29. Spiced candle from Yankee Candle in your grandmother’s house that makes you sneeze
30. An anagram for “Haircare Macaroni Driver”
31. Lindsey Graham’s safe word
32. Guy Fieri’s new sparkling rosé
33. Tom Brady’s underground apocalypse bunker city
34. Where the Sylvanian Drama happens
35. Budget Harry & David’s gift box without the good pears
36. The retirement home in Kendall Roy’s Living+ dystopia
37. The novel your mom’s book club is reading that turns out to be smut
38. Grape beverage product (due to FDA regulation it cannot legally be called wine or juice)
39. Where they are hiding Kate Middleton
40. The new room Dorit Kemsley is designing for Buca di Beppo
41. A neighborhood in The Sims 2
42. Decrepit billboard for a roadside attraction in a zombie-apocalypse movie
43. Applebees’s in-house lorem ipsum
44. Musky yet melon-inflected Tom Ford cologne sold at Target for three months in 1997
45. Netflix true-crime docuseries about the beloved scions of a wealthy Floridian apple dynasty who all turned out to be serial killers
46. COVID variant originating in Missouri
47. Kevin Costner’s Horizon: An American Saga, Chapter 26
48. A Real Housewife of New York’s season-arc skin-care line that will never be purchasable
49. A strain of sativa weed that guarantees a panic-attack-to-enlightenment pipeline
50. Where Timothée Chalamet nonsexually picks apples
51. Adaptation of British Riviera Orchard, a film about eight esteemed, septuagenarian English actors trying to fuck Judi Dench
